Bandages - Hot Hot Heat

Ode to DB Sweeney! Found out he is on a TV show called Crash. Glad he is getting work, will have to see the show...

I was super insecure about myself pretty much until I started racing. It stemmed for the constant desire to please people along with the desire for everyone to like me. Plus I was never shapely or particularly cool. I was a successful on-air personality for years but never had a confidence about what I did. It was an odd thing, it was more important for my ego and self-confidence to do well drag racing. It was something I had to put effort into, it was not a natural talent like talking on the radio. My desire to race constantly was because it advanced my confidence. But when I did poorly, it was hard to hide my disappointment. I also credit my ex-husband for making me realize someone could accept me for me. He encouraged me to believe that I was beautiful. I will always credit him for that. I refuse to let those feelings of confidence rescind just because our marriage ended or because I am not racing anymore.

Not finding a job is clawing at that confidence. After the split, I found myself to be stronger than ever. I believe it showed. I was feeling so good about starting a new. I was free from the very difficult situations that came with my marriage. I wore my clothes with a different belief. I had a successful career; I worked hard plus I believed that I would find love again also. I have got to get that sense back. I know it is in me. Yet today, when trying to make a radio demo, I felt like that insecure girl of 25 all over again. It makes me think I should have capitalized on the Best of Phx and local CD release. But I was too insecure to realize those accolades could have moved me beyond where I was in radio. I never had enough confidence to push open bigger doors. My answer when asked what I do best is radio. I know in my heart that it is the one thing in my life that is the most natural. (Along with caring for those I love) So why, why would I not feel the most confident ever in the idea of approaching radio again? It is so subjective, one program director may love ya, and the next finds you lacking energy. I suspect that too much is riding on this so I am pressuring myself beyond belief. Therefore, not sounding natural…

I watched two married folks at dinner tonight look so happy and in love. I can only pray it can happen again. But it will have to be an equal partnership this time. I don’t want it just to have love in my life again. I believe I will repel anything that resembles the difficulties in my marriage. I liked being a wife, I really did. It just has to be completely equal if I ever enter something again.


Music Musings…
The Polaris Prize Gala is this Monday. You know I am counting the days to listen! I will try to write out my evaluation of the ten nominees in my next blog.

Jon Auer is playing in Phoenix next week. I am excited for my friends to see him. Maybe someone will hold up the phone for me to hear some of it! I have been trying to help him get some press in town prior to the show. He is heading by the Blaze too. Of course I will be even more thrilled when I get a show to see here in Seattle. Kinda funny I move to Posieland and Phoenix gets a show before I do…

This lack of money is crimping my concert going desires! In-Flight is playing in Vancouver as is Two Hours Traffic but I can not justify going up there for shows until I have an income. Hence I am looking for jobs closer to BC, so it is easier yet to see all my CanCon bands.

Two shows I am definitely going to: Amy Millan in Seattle-oh yes..I will ball my eyes out when she does “Skinny Boy.” That is a given. My dear pal Andrew purchased 2nd row tickets for Matthew Good Nov 10. I am so excited for both!!! I have wanted to see Matt again so bad and Amy solo is going to be amazing!!!

Listening to some extra Plaskett songs from itunes-good stuff. Plus he has a funny little hip-hop song with Classified. I would love to see him win the Polaris. I just think the Three record is just too long for the judges.

I heard a band I liked on CBC3 last week. They are called Hospital Grade. While poking around the internet, I went to their website. Their latest news? They finished recording a song for the Sloan tribute record. Of course.., Of course… So it turns out indeed there is a tribute record being done. It should be fun a few times, I liked The Posies one but tributes only last a few listens in my opinion.

And finally, good old Kella on Iceberg could not pronounce Nanaimo. (nor could she say Polaris) Give me that girl’s job!!! See I haven’t lost all my self-confidence….LOL

Day Job - Gin Blossoms

Don’t quit your day job unless you have another one signed and sealed! Times are extremely tough; some jobs are getting hundreds of applicants. I have a file full of big rejection letters. Shame on me for being so confident my resume was enough to get myself another gig. I maintain that I have the talent and the skill to kill at any job hired for but I am a job search virgin. Seriously, I never had to do this before. How blessed I have been, I went from job to job by reputation without ever needing to search for one. My interview several weeks ago with UW was my first committee interview ever. I plug away but the internet applications do not substitute for face to face contact. My resume certainly may throw off some educational institutes. I did not have a conventional job so the adviser jobs I apply for are probably thrown out the window. The one job closest to my Cronk job needed a fricking Masters degree. I suspect one needs an insider to assist in getting any interview. I magically dream that someone in a hiring committee sees this resume, says “Look how interesting and different this gal is.” Doubtful considering the amount of calls I have gotten. (That total is 1)

Here is the truth…I am scared and I am running out of money. What I am not out of is optimism. I took a huge leap leaving Arizona. I refuse to believe I made a mistake doing so. I absolutely LOVE Western Washington. I want to be here and I believe somehow I will find a way to make this work. I have my moments of depression, who wouldn’t? I miss having my own home, my chance to be creative, heck I miss my shoes.. ;) I have worn the same set of clothing I packed for the drive to Alaska. But do not read this as a feel sorry for me blog. I am so grateful to have a place to stay with Mary. I never realized it as much as when I drove back from Bellingham. I felt like I had a ‘home’ to return to. Being in this atmosphere has helped heal me. I was a wreck when I left Phoenix…I was worse from the Alaska ordeal. The peace I have been seeking since Dan said he wanted a divorce is happening in Yelm, Washington. I am learning so much about spiritual teachings. The ideal of living in the “now” is appealing to me on so many levels. I believe I will be thoroughly entrenched in bliss once the job search ends. It is such a nagging tap on my shoulder.

I was supposed to start the temp job at the Puyallup Fair this week. At training we were told we would work 12 hours a day for 22 days straight. Add an hour drive both ways for me and it would have been 14 hours a day. I really wanted to do it and was looking forward to the chance to mingle with all sorts of people! And yes I need the money. It just wasn’t going to work. Various reasons from the dogs to not being enough money made it impossible. I wish it could have worked out but it wasn’t meant to be for some reason.

One of those reasons may be the opportunity to meet with a GM at a radio group in Bellingham, WA this past Friday. Once again, my guardian angel of Yelm Mary made a few calls and found the contact for me to email. I have been thinking a lot about Bellingham as an option because of it being between Seattle and Vancouver. I also suspect the rent may be fairly less then Seattle. Mary encouraged me to take the 3 hour drive up and explore. The GM responded quickly to my inquiry, kindly agreeing to meet with me the following day. We had a very nice 45 minute talk about the Phoenix radio market in which he was quite familiar with. He was impressed with the stations I had worked at. It ended with him telling me to do a simple demo for him and he would “see what he could do.” That was more than I was even expecting so I felt empowered again. Empowered that I could do radio again, that I wasn’t too far removed from it to be considered. It was a reminder to myself that I did do major market radio and it could still be recognized as such. It was also an interesting juxtaposition of occupational interview styles. The discussion was much more down to earth. It reminded me that I was never fully part of the educational world. Job or no job, the meeting was important to my self-worth and confidence.

I don’t know what happens when I run out of money. It is the major worry I keep trying to fight. I know I need to keep looking for temporary work. My therapist suggested I advertise dog-sitting. I like that idea! Selling items is also an option. If I move my items into a storage space, I could sell the trailer. And yes, if worst came to worst, I start selling my CDs. It is so hard to explain but I am so calm and happy inside even though I am in the direst circumstances of my life. Oh if we didn’t need money in our lives…

Random music notes:

In the very same day I listened to the new Two Hours Traffic, Amy Millan and Matthew Good. WOW! I still just get so excited for release dates of my favorite artists! At this moment I would say that Matthew Good’s Vancouver will be my LP of the year. We shall see in December ;)

I got in the car to drive to Bellingham and Chris Murphy was co-hosting on CBC3. Naturally I was tickled! I have expressed a zillion times how much I miss his and Jay’s radio show. My favorite giggle of the show was Chris saying who else would host a show like Q than Jian Ghomeshi to which Craig Norris responded “You.” Chris said he tries to get Jian to let him fill in all the time to no avail. Love it! Another giggle was Chris looking at a picture of Sloan and saying “There I am with my old collarbone.”

Elephant Stone is a project from a former member of the High Dials. Big Ah-ha moment. Makes perfect sense now as opposed to them coming out of nowhere.

Andrew and I are plotting to go to Vancouver to see In-Flight Safety in Vancouver at the end of September. (I told Dan to send me money-LOL!) Two Hours Traffic are playing there the same week but I need to choose. I pick In-Flight because I know THT will be back but In-Flight seems to be touring less. Their record came out in Jan and they are just touring on it now… I am now Andrew’s flight partner. It means I fly as if a family member of an airline employee. Of course until I have a job, I won’t really be able to take advantage but I hope it means I can be at CV2 graduation…

(And I had no real good reason to use the adorable picture of Jim Zorn except that NFL starts tomorrow-Go 'Skins and 'Hawks!)