Don't Change - INXS

Last night Karen read me a letter I wrote her in May of 1989. Want to know what the scariest part of it was? 20 years later and I sound the same! I was chattering about bands, life in AZ and our friends. It was insane how little I have changed yet some much transpired in between. My favorite line from it was: “I don’t mind rock radio playing alternative stuff.” OMG, hilarious! I was going on about KUPD playing The Cure. Hahaha!
What I also find interesting about this letter is that when my mom passed away, Dan insisted I changed. What I think may be more true is that I changed (conformed) when I got married and that the real Leah came back. Because I no longer had my mom, I reached back inside and found me. I went back to what I truly enjoyed from crafting to travelling to see bands. What a revelation! Dan had me convinced I changed. Of course, without my mom I was altered but I don’t believe I truly “changed” even though he had me believing I did. I rediscovered ME! In fact, I am a bit disappointed with myself if I compromised who I was for marriage. I have watched so many girlfriends do that for their husbands, I swore I never would but maybe I did. Our demise had more to do with finding our true selves. He did too and then he realized that our true-selves had completely different directions in which we were heading. I think that is why we were both so ok with our divorce. We both knew we only needed each other for that period of time. I sense that is why I am so at peace right now, I finally have returned to 1989 Leah… It explains my desire to move too. The very first thing I realized when I swallowed that the divorce was happening was that I didn’t have to stay in Arizona anymore. Complete peace will come when that job slips into my pocket along with my own place; And when I am entertaining friends again at my own place. That is me.

Randomness:

It dawned on me that I should do a search for diners in Washington! I bet there are some cool ones here!

One thing I don’t necessarily like still from 1989 is my constant need to have a crush. It is lame at 42 because you have too much sensibility to let it just be fun. But trust me, I always have a crush and most of the time, it is not a healthy one.

So remember how I was saying they have these bikini espresso places here in Washington. Well now I drove by a place that proclaimed- No Bikinis! See, I knew some women would object! They have ones labeled Bikini bottoms too- oh brother.. Plus they have city meetings to ban them. Hilarious.

I noticed that out in the country, the convenience stores have fryers so the food in the case is fresher than a place like 7-11 with hot dogs rolling. I am guessing this is because you have longer drives so you eat more “real” food from the gas station? On a drive to Port Angeles I stopped at the absolute nicest convenience store ever. I can’t even describe it but it was nicer than most AJ’s plus it was huge! It was on a reservation near a casino, not sure if that had anything to do with it.

I took the dogs to a “forest” today. It was part of Spanaway city parks. It was very nice but it was the first time I realized I should be more concerned with my safety. I saw an unsavory character heading into this forest then as it wound around a lot of woods, I realized I shouldn’t do everything by myself. I am awkward enough trying to walk three dogs. If someone would have robbed me I would be so easy with the clumsiness of the dogs. I will not be returning there. I need to stick to open dog parks with lots of people. Maybe I am too independent sometimes..

The Polaris Prize is only 2 nights away. I wonder if anyone else gets as excited for this as I do. Next year I will host a party for it! Hahahah! I need to listen to Jian on Monday! Wish he was hosting it again but he is not, Grant Lawrence is again.

I miss being social. This should not be a big surprise. My life was always so packed with activities. It is good to reflect but I need to just hang out with my pals-just laugh and have fun…Thank goodness for the phone. I have gotten some great laughs on the phone since in Washington-you know who you all are! ;)

You know who I have been listening to lately..The Posies.. Must be something about the location?? ;)

I heard the K-os take over show on Iceberg this week. I really like how much of a music fan he is. He is very humble to be around other musicians. He told stories of meeting Moe Berg from TPOH plus his appearance in the Death from Above video. I knew he would play Sloan because I knew he was a fan. He went on about how he thinks Chris Murphy is talented at everything he does. He also played "The Other Man" and hinted to it being about Feist but would not break musician code. Sorry, K-Os, most fans know Chris was the other man who stole her away from which ever BSS guy she was with at the time. The most entertaining story he told was about Sam Roberts. He said he was watching Live 8 and saw Sam sing a new song at the time "Brigde to nowhere" K-OS thought it was a song about him and was bummed out. Then he said he talked to both Peter Elkas (:HEARTBEATS:) and Murray Lightburn of The Dears. They both thought Sam wrote the song about them. As K-OS concluded- we were all so vain, we thought the song was about us. That was funny! Maybe other musicians confide their deep dark secrets to Sam Roberts. Who wouldn't? If it meant a longer chance to stare at that gorgeous man, well? He must have more bromance than Plaskett!

Karen swore I would love the new Mountain Dew Ultra Violet but nope. I had another self discovery! I do not like fruity flavors carbonated. They have to be like kool-aid. Carbonation for me needs to stay in the cola family. Who am I kidding, carbonation needs to stay in the Dr. Pepper family for me-period. Did you know I never drank carbonated drinks until my late 20's. Now there was a habit I should have kept! I had an ex-boyfriend who loved Dr. Pepper. I would sip his everyday and boom- I was hooked! Damn him! LOL!

Did I mention I am seeing Matthew Good in November? I suspect so for the next 2 months until the show!

Bandages - Hot Hot Heat

Ode to DB Sweeney! Found out he is on a TV show called Crash. Glad he is getting work, will have to see the show...

I was super insecure about myself pretty much until I started racing. It stemmed for the constant desire to please people along with the desire for everyone to like me. Plus I was never shapely or particularly cool. I was a successful on-air personality for years but never had a confidence about what I did. It was an odd thing, it was more important for my ego and self-confidence to do well drag racing. It was something I had to put effort into, it was not a natural talent like talking on the radio. My desire to race constantly was because it advanced my confidence. But when I did poorly, it was hard to hide my disappointment. I also credit my ex-husband for making me realize someone could accept me for me. He encouraged me to believe that I was beautiful. I will always credit him for that. I refuse to let those feelings of confidence rescind just because our marriage ended or because I am not racing anymore.

Not finding a job is clawing at that confidence. After the split, I found myself to be stronger than ever. I believe it showed. I was feeling so good about starting a new. I was free from the very difficult situations that came with my marriage. I wore my clothes with a different belief. I had a successful career; I worked hard plus I believed that I would find love again also. I have got to get that sense back. I know it is in me. Yet today, when trying to make a radio demo, I felt like that insecure girl of 25 all over again. It makes me think I should have capitalized on the Best of Phx and local CD release. But I was too insecure to realize those accolades could have moved me beyond where I was in radio. I never had enough confidence to push open bigger doors. My answer when asked what I do best is radio. I know in my heart that it is the one thing in my life that is the most natural. (Along with caring for those I love) So why, why would I not feel the most confident ever in the idea of approaching radio again? It is so subjective, one program director may love ya, and the next finds you lacking energy. I suspect that too much is riding on this so I am pressuring myself beyond belief. Therefore, not sounding natural…

I watched two married folks at dinner tonight look so happy and in love. I can only pray it can happen again. But it will have to be an equal partnership this time. I don’t want it just to have love in my life again. I believe I will repel anything that resembles the difficulties in my marriage. I liked being a wife, I really did. It just has to be completely equal if I ever enter something again.


Music Musings…
The Polaris Prize Gala is this Monday. You know I am counting the days to listen! I will try to write out my evaluation of the ten nominees in my next blog.

Jon Auer is playing in Phoenix next week. I am excited for my friends to see him. Maybe someone will hold up the phone for me to hear some of it! I have been trying to help him get some press in town prior to the show. He is heading by the Blaze too. Of course I will be even more thrilled when I get a show to see here in Seattle. Kinda funny I move to Posieland and Phoenix gets a show before I do…

This lack of money is crimping my concert going desires! In-Flight is playing in Vancouver as is Two Hours Traffic but I can not justify going up there for shows until I have an income. Hence I am looking for jobs closer to BC, so it is easier yet to see all my CanCon bands.

Two shows I am definitely going to: Amy Millan in Seattle-oh yes..I will ball my eyes out when she does “Skinny Boy.” That is a given. My dear pal Andrew purchased 2nd row tickets for Matthew Good Nov 10. I am so excited for both!!! I have wanted to see Matt again so bad and Amy solo is going to be amazing!!!

Listening to some extra Plaskett songs from itunes-good stuff. Plus he has a funny little hip-hop song with Classified. I would love to see him win the Polaris. I just think the Three record is just too long for the judges.

I heard a band I liked on CBC3 last week. They are called Hospital Grade. While poking around the internet, I went to their website. Their latest news? They finished recording a song for the Sloan tribute record. Of course.., Of course… So it turns out indeed there is a tribute record being done. It should be fun a few times, I liked The Posies one but tributes only last a few listens in my opinion.

And finally, good old Kella on Iceberg could not pronounce Nanaimo. (nor could she say Polaris) Give me that girl’s job!!! See I haven’t lost all my self-confidence….LOL

Day Job - Gin Blossoms

Don’t quit your day job unless you have another one signed and sealed! Times are extremely tough; some jobs are getting hundreds of applicants. I have a file full of big rejection letters. Shame on me for being so confident my resume was enough to get myself another gig. I maintain that I have the talent and the skill to kill at any job hired for but I am a job search virgin. Seriously, I never had to do this before. How blessed I have been, I went from job to job by reputation without ever needing to search for one. My interview several weeks ago with UW was my first committee interview ever. I plug away but the internet applications do not substitute for face to face contact. My resume certainly may throw off some educational institutes. I did not have a conventional job so the adviser jobs I apply for are probably thrown out the window. The one job closest to my Cronk job needed a fricking Masters degree. I suspect one needs an insider to assist in getting any interview. I magically dream that someone in a hiring committee sees this resume, says “Look how interesting and different this gal is.” Doubtful considering the amount of calls I have gotten. (That total is 1)

Here is the truth…I am scared and I am running out of money. What I am not out of is optimism. I took a huge leap leaving Arizona. I refuse to believe I made a mistake doing so. I absolutely LOVE Western Washington. I want to be here and I believe somehow I will find a way to make this work. I have my moments of depression, who wouldn’t? I miss having my own home, my chance to be creative, heck I miss my shoes.. ;) I have worn the same set of clothing I packed for the drive to Alaska. But do not read this as a feel sorry for me blog. I am so grateful to have a place to stay with Mary. I never realized it as much as when I drove back from Bellingham. I felt like I had a ‘home’ to return to. Being in this atmosphere has helped heal me. I was a wreck when I left Phoenix…I was worse from the Alaska ordeal. The peace I have been seeking since Dan said he wanted a divorce is happening in Yelm, Washington. I am learning so much about spiritual teachings. The ideal of living in the “now” is appealing to me on so many levels. I believe I will be thoroughly entrenched in bliss once the job search ends. It is such a nagging tap on my shoulder.

I was supposed to start the temp job at the Puyallup Fair this week. At training we were told we would work 12 hours a day for 22 days straight. Add an hour drive both ways for me and it would have been 14 hours a day. I really wanted to do it and was looking forward to the chance to mingle with all sorts of people! And yes I need the money. It just wasn’t going to work. Various reasons from the dogs to not being enough money made it impossible. I wish it could have worked out but it wasn’t meant to be for some reason.

One of those reasons may be the opportunity to meet with a GM at a radio group in Bellingham, WA this past Friday. Once again, my guardian angel of Yelm Mary made a few calls and found the contact for me to email. I have been thinking a lot about Bellingham as an option because of it being between Seattle and Vancouver. I also suspect the rent may be fairly less then Seattle. Mary encouraged me to take the 3 hour drive up and explore. The GM responded quickly to my inquiry, kindly agreeing to meet with me the following day. We had a very nice 45 minute talk about the Phoenix radio market in which he was quite familiar with. He was impressed with the stations I had worked at. It ended with him telling me to do a simple demo for him and he would “see what he could do.” That was more than I was even expecting so I felt empowered again. Empowered that I could do radio again, that I wasn’t too far removed from it to be considered. It was a reminder to myself that I did do major market radio and it could still be recognized as such. It was also an interesting juxtaposition of occupational interview styles. The discussion was much more down to earth. It reminded me that I was never fully part of the educational world. Job or no job, the meeting was important to my self-worth and confidence.

I don’t know what happens when I run out of money. It is the major worry I keep trying to fight. I know I need to keep looking for temporary work. My therapist suggested I advertise dog-sitting. I like that idea! Selling items is also an option. If I move my items into a storage space, I could sell the trailer. And yes, if worst came to worst, I start selling my CDs. It is so hard to explain but I am so calm and happy inside even though I am in the direst circumstances of my life. Oh if we didn’t need money in our lives…

Random music notes:

In the very same day I listened to the new Two Hours Traffic, Amy Millan and Matthew Good. WOW! I still just get so excited for release dates of my favorite artists! At this moment I would say that Matthew Good’s Vancouver will be my LP of the year. We shall see in December ;)

I got in the car to drive to Bellingham and Chris Murphy was co-hosting on CBC3. Naturally I was tickled! I have expressed a zillion times how much I miss his and Jay’s radio show. My favorite giggle of the show was Chris saying who else would host a show like Q than Jian Ghomeshi to which Craig Norris responded “You.” Chris said he tries to get Jian to let him fill in all the time to no avail. Love it! Another giggle was Chris looking at a picture of Sloan and saying “There I am with my old collarbone.”

Elephant Stone is a project from a former member of the High Dials. Big Ah-ha moment. Makes perfect sense now as opposed to them coming out of nowhere.

Andrew and I are plotting to go to Vancouver to see In-Flight Safety in Vancouver at the end of September. (I told Dan to send me money-LOL!) Two Hours Traffic are playing there the same week but I need to choose. I pick In-Flight because I know THT will be back but In-Flight seems to be touring less. Their record came out in Jan and they are just touring on it now… I am now Andrew’s flight partner. It means I fly as if a family member of an airline employee. Of course until I have a job, I won’t really be able to take advantage but I hope it means I can be at CV2 graduation…

(And I had no real good reason to use the adorable picture of Jim Zorn except that NFL starts tomorrow-Go 'Skins and 'Hawks!)

Last Parade - Matthew Good

I love this picture of Matthew Good! His new song was the first thing I heard when I turned the radio on today. Fantastic tune..New CD in October!

There is live mariachi music out my window, I am out in the middle of the country…ok I really can’t get away from AZ (I am sure John thinks that is a racist statement)

I have a lot of random thoughts to blog today. I have had an absolutely wonderful week after one day of pure depression. I am fighting so hard to have less and less of those days where I dwell on what I don’t have or what happened in the past. Live in the moment. Believe in your decisions. The past is gone, no changing it and no need to relive it in my head. No more wishing for things I don’t have, let things happen as they may. All those positive chats need to be present constantly. No more getting those neurons all worked up into frenzy! Yep, if I focus on good, things all flow.

Some things about Washington:

*I saw a store called “Stupid Prices” I should go in and see if it is true. It was next to a dollar store, does that mean it is less than a dollar?

*To attract folks away from Starbucks, many espresso places have bikini-clad girls working the drive thru. A few thoughts come to mind…
a. what about the women customers, where is Jim Zorn to serve me my Chai tea? (Ok maybe most women want that Twilight guy or Brad Pitt)
b. Is this wise? What if she accidentally spills, scalding her body…
c. Is this any different than Hooters, I am sure it offends women. I am indifferent to that but many women find this super degrading.
d. I never saw this in Phoenix where it is warm, I bet these women in Washington are freezing. Oh now I get it…

*They have a lot of these “roundabouts” on their roads. The first time I encountered one was in Halifax. I was pretty sure I was going to die. The ones here in Washington are not as traffic-filled but still scare me. I just don’t think everyone gets the concept, therefore “danger-danger!” Why can’t we just stick to 4-way stops? A traffic light?

* Ivars is a famous seafood place downtown Seattle. Maybe they have always had these but I just noticed they have Ivars fast food joints around the rest of town. It is a small consolation for lack of In ‘n Outs… “Giant Prawns to go pleas!”

*I keep seeing the same people! Even the same cars! The day I got the job at the Puyallup Fair, I was parked next to a cool PT cruiser with flames. Two days later I saw it in the town I am staying in which is a good 30 miles away.

*Grr to a Sheriff who came flying up on my rear while driving. It made me figure I was nailed for speeding. I was waiting for him to pull me over as he tailed me for miles. When we finally came to a second lane, he flew around me like a jack-ass in an import racer. I watched him with other cars after, he was a tailgating Sheriff. JERK!

* I hear the most bizarre noises at night out in the country, Ones that wake me out of a dead sleep. The funniest one wasn’t outside though. Mary’s refrigerator must have demons to shake when it defrosts. Scared me straight out of bed one night! Speaking of beds, when I finally get my own place I am going to get a King size bed. My two hounds take up more room than I do.

*Oh I found a tiny little scam…I heard a women say to a sales clerk that she was from Oregon so they didn’t charge her sales tax. She just had to show her drivers license. Guess who has a driver’s license from a state with no sales tax…. (and no I don’t mean AZ. AZ has plenty of sales tax…)

*Finally if I may make a small suggestion for my bearded male friends, never go apply for a job with a comb stored in your beard….;)