Bandages - Hot Hot Heat

Ode to DB Sweeney! Found out he is on a TV show called Crash. Glad he is getting work, will have to see the show...

I was super insecure about myself pretty much until I started racing. It stemmed for the constant desire to please people along with the desire for everyone to like me. Plus I was never shapely or particularly cool. I was a successful on-air personality for years but never had a confidence about what I did. It was an odd thing, it was more important for my ego and self-confidence to do well drag racing. It was something I had to put effort into, it was not a natural talent like talking on the radio. My desire to race constantly was because it advanced my confidence. But when I did poorly, it was hard to hide my disappointment. I also credit my ex-husband for making me realize someone could accept me for me. He encouraged me to believe that I was beautiful. I will always credit him for that. I refuse to let those feelings of confidence rescind just because our marriage ended or because I am not racing anymore.

Not finding a job is clawing at that confidence. After the split, I found myself to be stronger than ever. I believe it showed. I was feeling so good about starting a new. I was free from the very difficult situations that came with my marriage. I wore my clothes with a different belief. I had a successful career; I worked hard plus I believed that I would find love again also. I have got to get that sense back. I know it is in me. Yet today, when trying to make a radio demo, I felt like that insecure girl of 25 all over again. It makes me think I should have capitalized on the Best of Phx and local CD release. But I was too insecure to realize those accolades could have moved me beyond where I was in radio. I never had enough confidence to push open bigger doors. My answer when asked what I do best is radio. I know in my heart that it is the one thing in my life that is the most natural. (Along with caring for those I love) So why, why would I not feel the most confident ever in the idea of approaching radio again? It is so subjective, one program director may love ya, and the next finds you lacking energy. I suspect that too much is riding on this so I am pressuring myself beyond belief. Therefore, not sounding natural…

I watched two married folks at dinner tonight look so happy and in love. I can only pray it can happen again. But it will have to be an equal partnership this time. I don’t want it just to have love in my life again. I believe I will repel anything that resembles the difficulties in my marriage. I liked being a wife, I really did. It just has to be completely equal if I ever enter something again.


Music Musings…
The Polaris Prize Gala is this Monday. You know I am counting the days to listen! I will try to write out my evaluation of the ten nominees in my next blog.

Jon Auer is playing in Phoenix next week. I am excited for my friends to see him. Maybe someone will hold up the phone for me to hear some of it! I have been trying to help him get some press in town prior to the show. He is heading by the Blaze too. Of course I will be even more thrilled when I get a show to see here in Seattle. Kinda funny I move to Posieland and Phoenix gets a show before I do…

This lack of money is crimping my concert going desires! In-Flight is playing in Vancouver as is Two Hours Traffic but I can not justify going up there for shows until I have an income. Hence I am looking for jobs closer to BC, so it is easier yet to see all my CanCon bands.

Two shows I am definitely going to: Amy Millan in Seattle-oh yes..I will ball my eyes out when she does “Skinny Boy.” That is a given. My dear pal Andrew purchased 2nd row tickets for Matthew Good Nov 10. I am so excited for both!!! I have wanted to see Matt again so bad and Amy solo is going to be amazing!!!

Listening to some extra Plaskett songs from itunes-good stuff. Plus he has a funny little hip-hop song with Classified. I would love to see him win the Polaris. I just think the Three record is just too long for the judges.

I heard a band I liked on CBC3 last week. They are called Hospital Grade. While poking around the internet, I went to their website. Their latest news? They finished recording a song for the Sloan tribute record. Of course.., Of course… So it turns out indeed there is a tribute record being done. It should be fun a few times, I liked The Posies one but tributes only last a few listens in my opinion.

And finally, good old Kella on Iceberg could not pronounce Nanaimo. (nor could she say Polaris) Give me that girl’s job!!! See I haven’t lost all my self-confidence….LOL